Thursday, March 22, 2012

" ... those who know us park their money with us ... "

If I owned a Super PAC, I think I'd be tempted to use my money to run nothing but Cayman Islands commercials in the week before the November election.

Too subtle?
There would also be the obvious temptation to remind voters who said "Corporations are people, my friend," on an hourly basis. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

"... beliefs that would shame even a gorilla ..." The Bible Belt is voting today.

In honor of the GOP primaries taking place tonight in Alabama and Mississippi where up to 81% of the voters are self-described "White Evangelical Christians" and  45-52% of the voters are stupid enough to think that President Obama is a Muslim and only 12-14% believe he's a Christian (a triumph of white-flight Christian schools and home schooling lazily reinforcing treasured prejudices and stereotypes), the quote of this minor election night comes from the mouth of a young Alexander Portnoy, recording his first impressions of a visit to the home of Christian:

"Tacked above the Girardi sink is a picture of Jesus Christ floating up to Heaven in a pink nightgown. How disgusting can human beings be! The Jews I despise for their narrow-mindedness, their self-righteousness, the incredibly bizarre sense that these cave men who are my parents and relatives have somehow gotten of their superiority -- but when it comes to tawdriness and cheapness, to beliefs that would shame even a gorilla, you simply cannot top the goyim. What kind of base and brainless schmucks are these people to worship somebody who, number one, never existed, and number two, if he did, looking as he does in that picture, was without a doubt The Pansy of Palestine. In a pageboy haircut, with a Palmolive complexion -- and wearing a gown that I realize today must have come from Fredericks of Hollywood. Enough of God and the rest of that garbage! Down with religion and human groveling! Up with socialism and the dignity of man! [...]"
--Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
(p. 168 of 1969 hardcover)
I hope I offended somebody.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Malleable Mitt's Secret Identity

The anagram of the night follows the theme of the day, reassuring my fellow liberals that Willard "Mitt" Romney, aka Malleable Mitt, really is one of us, just waiting to show his true Massachusetts Liberal roots and continue the institutionalization of Obamneycare and implementing the entire progressive agenda if he happens to find himself forced into the White House by those voters  who might find themselves incapable of reelecting an African-American President.
Click on the box to animate the anagram of the night*

 Please don't tell the Republicans of Alabama and Mississippi who might be voting for Mitt in their primaries tomorrow. They know he's a tool, but they just don't know whose tool. Yet.

*If the animated GIF up above doesn't work, "Massachusetts Liberal" = "Mitt Has Reusable Class".

Mitt's Special Southern Magic Underwear Revealed

What secret liberals from Massachusetts
wear south of the Mason-Dixon  line.

Much has been written about Willard "Mitt" Romney's secret Mormon underwear and its magical properties, but we were finally able to break the news about what he was really wearing on the night of his Florida victory over his non-liberal opponents. Now our secret liberal double agent within the GOP is doubling down on his good luck charms going into tomorrow's contests far south of the Mason-Dixon line, wearing his True Blue Mississippi Liberal underwear over his heart and his True Blue Alabama Liberal boxers below his non-Gingrichian waistline.

We can be assured that the power of these garments will ensure that we will have a choice of TWO liberal major-party presidential candidates in early November, despite the pollsters who are still holding out a candle of hope for conservatives Newt'n'Rick in tomorrow's electoral contests for the hearts and votes of Dixie's Republicans.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Browsing by here because you're having a rough day at work?

Here's your literary quote of the day from my morning's reading on the train.

". . . In the early '60's a Yoyodyne executive living near L.A. and located someplace in the corporate root-system above supervisor but below vice-president, found himself, at age 39, automated out of a job. Having been since age 7 rigidly instructed in an eschatology* that pointed nowhere but to a presidency and death, trained to do absolutely nothing but sign his name to specialized memoranda he could not begin to understand and to take blame for the running-amok of specialized programs that failed for specialized reasons he had to have explained to him, the executive's first thoughts were naturally of suicide.  But previous training got the better of him: he could not make the decision without first hearing the ideas of a committee. ..."
-Thomas Pynchon, The Crying of Lot 49
(p.83 of the Bantam mass market paperback) 
Having a better day at work now?

*Despite the look of the word, eschatology has absolutely no relation to the verb romney or the noun santorum.  It is, however, true that Yoyodyne was one of the companies that was eventually bought and destroyed by Bain Capital under Mitt Romney's watch.   

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

The Secret Anagrammatic Message of Mitt Romney's Super Pac

If Mitt Romney's Super Pac "Restore Our Future" is spending 95% of its rich donors' cash on negative advertisements now in the primary against Gingrich and Santorum, we won't be able to expect a single positive message from R.O.F. if Romney faces President Obama as the GOP nominee later in 2012.
Click on the Box to Animate the Super Tuesday Anagram

All we can do is to hope that they will wear out their welcome long before the November and that every voter and television viewer will refer to them by (and follow the message of) their secret anagrammatic name: Refuse Our Torture.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Rick Santorum Now in Favor of Universal Government-Financed Birth Control

Frothy suddenly saw the light on the need for more widespread government support for contraception as soon as he was handed the following headline about the rumor regarding the most recognizable cast member of MTV's Jersey Shore and the fact that she might be ready to reproduce:

Thursday, March 01, 2012

George Carlin tells you all about Rush Limbaugh without even mentioning his name.

Although George could be talking about some other "fat arrogant overpaid overfed overprivileged overindulged white-collar businesscriminal asshole" smoking a cigar in the following video, but it's hard not to picture Rush Limbaugh when you listen to this: