In December 2015, the 2016 GOP Traveling Clown Circus was scheduled to make its second stop under the gigantic red, white, and blue big top set up on the campus of Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
The crowd had been fortified with large quantities of red meat and Red Bull and fluffed into a pre-game frenzy by two of the greatest second-string Saturday Night Live alumni, Dennis Miller and Victoria Jackson, telling jokes about Libtards and Dumbocrats. The star moderator Glenn Beck was in position on his throne, but when the cameras were turned on and it came time to fill the ten podia at the front of the tent meeting, only Governor Christopher James "Chris" Christie strode onto the stage. "Let's go, Glenn."
"We'll have to wait for your opponents, Governor," Mr. Beck announced.
"Yeah? I don't think they're coming," Christie said, laughing.
"I'm sure they'll be here.", Beck said. "We have to wait a minute."
"Actually, I heard from my staff they all went to the Tulsa Hospital Emergency Room unexpectedly with injuries to their lower legs."
"Something to do with a steel pipe. Something about which I obviously have no further personal knowledge."
"That's awful. We may have to delay this whole evening then."
"I'll be happy to fill the whole hour and a half. Ask me anything."
"OK, let's start with your sports loyalties. We know that you bravely support the Dallas Cowboys even though the Giants and the Jets both play in the state you were born in and currently govern."
"America's Team! Yeah."
"And you've been known to root for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish when they played your state's university, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, in a 2013 bowl game."
"Every North Jersey bully worth his salt likes the Irish."
"Both brave and independent stands, but is it also true that your favorite figure skater was Tonya Harding?"
"That little blonde firecracker? America's sweetheart? Who wasn't in love with her?"
"And it's only a coincidence in light of tonight's events?"
"Obviously. Now let's talk about my impeccable bipartisan record and ability to bring people together. You know that I was supported in 2013 by a lot of Democratic New Jersey Mayors who were certainly not threatened or bribed or beaten into supporting me."
(The rest of the hour you know by heart from the inspiring biographical Christie campaign commercials that have been running every night on every network since mid-2015.)
[and, in case you missed it, here's the partial transcript of the first imaginary 2016 GOP Clown Circus Debate
I posted back in November]