Mitt Romney's Coming of Age Travails, per CNN. Quelle Horreur

CNN may have forsaken its quest to become Fox News. The original cable news network is now attempting to become The Onion, or Comedy Central, with their recent Mitt Romney infotainment, "Romney Revealed":


 Forget the horrors of the Vietnam War in 1968, that war that Mitt Romney demonstrated in favor of, and whose draft the young Mormon missionary avoided:

CNN Narrator: “In 1968, France was a dangerous place to be for a 21-year-old American, but Mitt Romney was right in the middle of it.
Fellow Missionary Mike Bush: “There were protests and there were blockades and there were marches all over the country."
CNN: "The streets of France were in chaos."
Bush: "There was no train service, there were no buses, no newspapers. The electricity would go off from time-to-time. There were no letters from home. The money at the time came via check. That was our lifeline was getting letters from home.”
CNN: "So you were totally isolated."
Bush: "Totally isolated."

No Checks from Dad?!

Mitt's Special Southern Magic Underwear Revealed

What secret liberals from Massachusetts
wear south of the Mason-Dixon  line.

Much has been written about Willard "Mitt" Romney's secret Mormon underwear and its magical properties, but we were finally able to break the news about what he was really wearing on the night of his Florida victory over his non-liberal opponents. Now our secret liberal double agent within the GOP is doubling down on his good luck charms going into tomorrow's contests far south of the Mason-Dixon line, wearing his True Blue Mississippi Liberal underwear over his heart and his True Blue Alabama Liberal boxers below his non-Gingrichian waistline.

We can be assured that the power of these garments will ensure that we will have a choice of TWO liberal major-party presidential candidates in early November, despite the pollsters who are still holding out a candle of hope for conservatives Newt'n'Rick in tomorrow's electoral contests for the hearts and votes of Dixie's Republicans.

How the Magic of Temple Garments Will Win Mitt Romney the GOP Nomination

Now that "front runner" Herman Cain is being exposed as a sexual harasser by a fourth woman today, it is Newt Gingrich's time for a bump in the polls until ... well, until we all remember he's Newt Fucking Gingrich.
It seems clearer and clearer that the only person who will be able to avoid campaign-ending scandals will be one of the two candidates who is protected from out-of-wedlock shenanigans by the embarassment of exposing his Magic Mormon Underwear to the eyes of the uninitiated.


There are, incredibly, two Magic Mormon Underwear wearers in the GOP Presidential Sweepstakes. However, one of them, Jon Huntsman, refuses so far to toe the orthodox Teapublican party lines on global warming and evolution, so the nominee will be malleable Mitt Romney (unless Sarah and The Donald decide to jump in at this late date to "save" the party and the nation [please!]).