Monday, August 03, 2015

The First GOP Debate, Brought To You First On TrueBlueLiberal.Org

I just finished watching some of the Voters First Presidential Forum on C-Span right now and it makes me glad that I no longer pay my cable company enough money to get the package that includes the Fox News Network. That gives me a great excuse not to watch the first "real" debate later this week; I'm left free to simply imagine the garish red, white, and blue flag graphics behind the row of red white, and blue podia, behind which will be standing ten men, all of whom will be dressed in dark blue suits, white shirts, and an assortment of red, blue, and TrumpGold® ties.

After the preliminary prayers, Pledge of Allegiance, singing of 'God Bless the USA,' 'God Bless America,' and the Star-Spangled Banner, there will be short introductions of the candidates and then the questioning will begin without opening statements so that all ten candidates will have the chance to respond to at least one question in the remaining thirty minutes of airtime.

Blond Female Fox Questioner: Gentleman, we'd like to begin with a few questions to establish the areas of broad agreement between you -- and in opposition to your Democrat opponents -- before we move on to the minor details of management style and policy nuance that may separate you. So first, by a show of hands, how many of you are committed to reducing the onerous tax burden on patriotic job-creating Americans like the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson and ...

Candidate Trump: ...and me myself, the winningest and classiest multi-billionaire job-creator-like guy.

Candidate Walker: Yeah creating (inaudible) jobs in China.

BFFQ: Gentlemen Gentlemen. We know this is an issue near and dear to all your hearts, but you'll all get a chance to speak shortly. Now by a silent show of hands, how many of you are now willing to publicly commit to lowering the job-killing tax rates currently imposed on America's job-creating heroes?

[The camera will pan slowly across the stage to show each candidate with his hand raised. Governor Perry will have both hands up until he realizes that his nine companions are only raising their right arms; he'll lower his left hand and his microphone will pick up a soft "ooops."]

Male Fox Questioner with Brown Hair Combed in a 1930's Style: In another area that we feel may elicit broad agreement, please raise your right hand if you pledge to declare war on Iran as one of your first acts as President.

Candidate Paul: Everyone will know on Day One that Rand Paul is not a peacenik like his Dad!

Candidate Walker: Nuke 'em!

[The other eight candidates will also raise their hands enthusiastically, but silently.]

MFQwBHCia1930S: Thanks to most of you for following the instructions. For answering twice out of order, Candidate Walker has lost his chance at a closing statement.

Candidate Walker: What the fudge?

MFQwBHCia1930S: All the Candidates were given a copy of the rules, which featured the three-strikes rule, so give Candidate Walker the hook and hand his podium to Alternate Candidate number .... [MFQwBH will pull a ball from a velvet bag and read the number on it] ...three. Alternate three, Governor Jindal, come on up!

[The camera will follow Scott Walker raising two fingers on each hand into nixonesque V's and waving them to the crowd as he leaves stage left. In a split-screen image, we will simultaneously witness a goofily-grinning Bobby Jindal enter from the stage-right wings.]

MFQwBH..: Candidate Jindal, do you agree to cut billionaires' taxes and bomb Tehran?

Candidate Jindal: Of course. Of course I do.

MFQw..: OK, we're all caught up here. [MFQ will nod to his smiling co-questioner]

BFFQ: For our final group question, please raise your hand if you're demonstrating your opposition to so-called "Gun-Free Zones" and adherence to the Second Amendment by carrying a concealed firearm and a copy of the Constitution tonight.

[Eight of ten candidates will immediately raise their hands.]

Candidate Christie: A few of us [he will nod to Candidate Trump] have goons to carry our guns for us.

[Candidate Perry's raised hand will actually be holding a cute little pearl-handled Colt revolver, which he will accidentally discharge into some key electronic components in the ceiling. "Ooops" will be the last word heard as the screens across America go blank.]

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