But we can't expect Carly Fiorina to understand technology can we?
Unfortunately, Carly Fiorina hasn't been effectively Santorumed yet. CarlyFiorina.org isn't showing up as the top search result for Carly Fiorina on this first day of her campaign, and it won't unless her name is repeatedly linked to it.
In the role of Mitt Romney, we will have the sixth Romney son, Paul Ryan (but only if Tagg, Trigg, Tugg, Tigger, and Craig Romney refuse the honor of defending the honor of car elevators and the beleaguered 1%).
In the role of Newt Gingrich, we'll have the even more corpulent and egotistical Chris Christie.
In the role of Rick Santorum, John Bolton will be the one to inject a frisson of real fear into the race.
In the role of Game Show Host Donald Trump, we will see Game Show Host Chuck Woolery (unfortunately dropping out before the first debate to the chagrin of true aficionados of world-class slapstick clownfoolery).
And stepping in to pick up the royal family banner with a minimum of effort after the inevitable entertaining clownpocalypse, the statesmanlike pandering flip flopper John Ellis "Jeb" Bush.
If Mitt Romney decides that he needs to placate the true-believing nutjob base that has been uninspired by his Olympic-caliber Flipping and Flopping, he may be tempted to reach out to their patron saint: Rick Santorum.
If this dream team ever were to make it to the White House, we could probably (among other atrocities) say goodbye to support for NPR, PBS, the National Endowments for the Arts and Humanities, and anything else that smacked of secular American culture.
Frothy suddenly saw the light on the need for more widespread government support for contraception as soon as he was handed the following headline about the rumor regarding the most recognizable cast member of MTV's Jersey Shore and the fact that she might be ready to reproduce:
How can the Republican Party believe that their path to electoral success in 2012 could possibly involve alienating every woman in America by holding an all-male congressional hearing on contraception today? When I asked last October which wedge issue would win the Republican Primary in this election cycle, I suggested some normal suspects: Birtherism, Guns, "In God We Trust", the Dirty Filthy Hippies in the Occupy Movement, Abortion, Flag Burning, Evolution, Gay Marriage and Illegal Immigration. But never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that anyone in the GOP might actually be stupid enough to make run-of-the-mill garden-variety birth control an issue, supporting the all-male hierarchy of the Catholic Church in their demand to deny birth-control insurance to their female employees, and doing so with an all-male congressional panel telling why the rights of a foreign patriarchal power structure trump those of their American wives and daughters.
And not only that, but they have made the one candidate with the strongest record of speaking out against birth control their new front runner in their race to lose to Barack Obama in November:
"I'm not a believer in birth control ... artificial birth control." -- Ex-Senator Rick Santorum
With unemployment on the way down again today, "Government Motors" announcing record profits, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average nearing 13,000 (up from 8,000 at President Obama's inauguration), all the Republicans will have in the general election are wedge issues supported by millions of SuperPac dollars, but taking a stand against birth control is probably not their best choice of tool when choosing a winning wedge.
Newt is playing catch-up with "romney" (canine defecation in terror) and "santorum" (that classic frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter), and now there's a contest to come up with a definition for "gingrich" by the people who are developing http://spreadinggingrich.com/. You can make your submissions by clicking here.
Here's my first crack at one:
gingrich (v.) Get going when your spouse gets old or sick (from the German, ging [past tense of gehen, to go] + rich [archaic abbr. for Zurich, the quickie divorce capital of the medieval germanic world]).
These webmasters need to hurry though and pick a gingrich definition and get their site up and running, because the GOP primary contest is quickly becoming a two-man race.
Today the nonsense reached a crescendo in the Republican Primary campaigns (again), so as a self-appointed guardian of liberalism, I have to speak up and proclaim that liberals do not "heart" either Romney or Santorum.
Newt 2012 launched a splash page under the URL liberalsloveromney.com on which you can mouse over cartoonish representations of representative "liberals" to see what their out-of-context dialog bubbles say: Glenn Beck's bête noire Saul Alinsky ("He Likes My Book!"), SLC Mayor Rocky Anderson ("Thanks for the Endorsement!"), Barack Obama ("Obamneycare!"), George Soros ("Same as Obama!"), Planned Parenthood's Cecile Richards ("Thanks for Romneycare Funds!"), and Al Gore ("He Believes Me!"). Five of them should sue and the ghost of Saul Alinsky should haunt Newt Gingrich and the rest of the GOPpers who have been distorting and defaming his community-organizing legacy.
It's bad enough that the Newt is calling Mitt Romney a liberal today, but it's no surprise because he's been beating the Massachusetts Moderate/Liberal label as his main line of attack since it brought him short-lived success in South Carolina. But now the Party of No has gone too far. Romney's mouthpieces and his SuperPac are trying to pin the "liberal" label on Rick Fucking Santorum, their new major competition, and one of the least liberal GOPpers who has ever drawn breath. "Mitt Romney has a much more comprehensively conservative record than Rick does," says Romney surrogate Jim Talent (former Missouri Senator) who argued that Santorum's Senate voting record "shows he's been in the liberal wing" of the GOP.
Neither Romney nor Santorum has a liberal bone in his body, they have not earned the label, and I'm using the power invested in myself to revoke their right to use and abuse it.
The debates aren't quite as much fun since the Cain, Bachmann, and Perry busses have left the Clown Caravan, but there should still be some entertaining moments among the final four at tonight's GOP Debate at the University of South Florida in Tampa. If you want to get drunk tonight (I'll be filling my stein with Hurricane Kitty), then take a drink every time one of the following all-too-predictable phrases is uttered.
Newt Gingrich: "I worked with Ronald Reagan," "The Elites in Washington and New York," "Saul Alinsky Radicalism," or "Food Stamp President"
Mitt Romney: "Attacks on Free Enterprise," "Crony Capitalism" (in a sentence referring to Barack Obama)
Rick Santorum: "Faith" and "Family" in a single sentence, or "I'm In The Final Four!"
Ron Paul: "I'm a Doctor," "End the Fed," or any single sentence that contains three (or more) repetitions of the word "Liberty"
I'll be tweeting with a #GOPDebate hashtag as @TrueBlueLiberal during the debate until I'm too drunk to control my fingers.
There are four contenders left for the 2012 GOP nomination as the South Carolina primary results coming in tonight. None of them has left any doubt about where stand on the question of war with Iran.
The Winner of Iowa,Rick Santorum, doesn't see any need to wait for formal US aggression to commence. In the meantime, he's a supporter of terrorism within Iran. "On occasion, scientists working on the nuclear program in Iran turn up dead. I think that's a wonderful thing," Santorum says in the following video. Since Republicans hate science just as much as they hate Iran, this type of terrorism is especially satisfying to someone from the Neanderthal wing of the party like Rick.
The Winner of New Hampshire,Mitt Romney, who has been running for President for much of the last decade, is on the record in this debate from 2007 saying that he would not take tactical nuclear weapons off the table when dealing with Iran:
Tonight's Winner in South Carolina,Newt Gingrich, hasn't been running for President quite as long as the man he's beating tonight, but he has been just as bellicose as the men who won Iowa and New Hampshire:
There is a fourth member of the final four, Ron Paul, who hasn't won any GOP primaries, and probably won't win any. I don't agree with him on many domestic issues (other than the civil liberties and drug law issues where he's 100% right), but he deserves to be heard putting his fellow Republicans in their place on the issue of war and peace. He's schooling Rick Santorum in the following video, but he could be talking directly to Newt or Mitt just as easily:
If you answered that question with anything other than the word "Crony" you haven't been paying attention to the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary (a.k.a., Clown Circus).
Newt Gingrich today is quoted as saying that "Crony Capitalism is not Free Enterprise" when talking about Willard "Mitt" Romney's brand of vulture capitalism. (LA Times)
Mitt Romney jumped on the CroCap bandwagon a few days ago when talking about President Obama's recess appointments to the NLRB, stating: "This president is a crony capitalist. He's a job killer." I'm not sure how the "socialist" President or the socialist Unions he was serving could also be capitalists, but you'll have to go to Mitt for clarification. (CBS News)
Jon Huntsman worries about how "we have crony capitalism in Congress" because of the lack of term limits and the revolving door between K Street and Capitol Hill. (Investors.com)
Herman Cainjumped on the anti-crony capitalism express back in September when leaping onto the pile of conservatives gleefully swarming over the corpse of Solyndra. (ThinkProgress)
I personally can't think of a better adjective to be inextricably linked with the word "Capitalism", but why is the GOP doing our work for us? Did they check with Frank Luntz first before making "Crony Capitalism" (which always reminds me of Bushie and Brownie and Katrina) the unforgettable alliterative enunciation of the year?
"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything… It all comes from, I would argue, this right to privacy that doesn't exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution... You say, well, it's my individual freedom. Yes, but it destroys the basic unit of our society because it condones behavior that's antithetical to strong healthy families... In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing."
________ * On the morning after the voting in the cornfields, I thought of poor Emily Litella every time one of the announcers on NPR said "Voting in the Caucasus". It made me miss Gilda Radner.
Strange things come in sevens. The seven samurai, the seven words you can't say on television, the seven chakras, the seven deadly sins, and, of course, the seven dwarfs and the seven survivors left on clown island.
Can you match the correct dwarf with the correct clown?
Bashful....... .......Rick Santorum
Doc....... ........Ron Paul
Dopey....... .......Rick Perry
Grumpy....... .......Mitt Romney
Happy....... ....... Jon Huntsman
Sleepy....... ....... Michele Bachmann
Sneezy....... ....... Newt Gingrich
I know, there should be more than one "Dopey" and more than one "Grumpy" in order to make approriate matches, but that's where the fun comes in. Who's the Dopiest? And who's the Grumpiest? Answer those questions and you'll have the winner of the GOP primaries!
Be sure to wish "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" to your favorite conservative teabagger this week. Chances are 95% or better that they'll respond to you with a "Merry Christmas" that has an edge to it. But back to the clown circus updates . . .
Michele Bachmann and her spouse disputed the Kinsey Report research on the percentage of gays in the American population because it doesn't agree with their views on the subject. Disagreeing with mainstream science is always a winning position when dealing with the GOP primary voters. (via Advocate.com)
Newt Gingrich has a novel solution for federal judges who would rule against mentions of religion in public school ceremonies: Arrest them. (Wonkette)
Rick Perry chose to emphasize the dynastic nature of the North Korean leadership when he referred in a campaign email to the recently departed "Dear Leader" as Kim Jong II (the second) rather than Kim Jong Il (eye-el). Might seem a minor typo, until you realize that if he made such an error as "The Leader of the Free World" when referring to the unstable leader of a nuclear power ... well ... (via ThinkProgress)
John Huntsman, who sometimes tries to appear moderate in this crowd of clowns, gave an interview to RedState today in which he parroted every right-wing talking point. When asked if he would veto any Federal budget that contained funding for Planned Parenthood, even if he agreed with all its other particulars, he answered with a resounding "Uh, yes I would." (via RedState)
I was TV free during the last GOP Presidential Debate, but I hope to be watching Fox News tonight with the anticipation of a NASCAR fan hoping for a violent track-clearing conflagration (that is why they watch those rolling billboards driving around in circles for hours, isn't it?).
I want to see Willard "Mittens" Romney and James Richard "Rick" Perry coming to physical blows over who stole who's hairdo. I want to see Richard John "Frothy Mix" Santorum and Michele Marie "Crazy Eyes" Amble Bachmann arguing over which of them will create the most inventively medieval method for imposing the death penalty on abortion providers. I want to hear the crowd singing (Beach Boys style) "Bomb Bomb Bomb / Bomb Bomb Iran" when Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich rails against President Obama for not "taking out" our stray spy drone or the nuclear facilities Newt imagines in Iran's mosques. With any luck Ronald Ernest "Grandpa" Paul and Jon Meade "John [sic]" Huntsman, Jr. will be the only survivors of tonight's carnage, leading to a long-lasting and endlessly-entertaining clown circus all the way to the Republican convention.
I'll probably be live tweeting over at @TrueBlueLiberal, so if you're on Twitter, I'll see you there at nine using the #GOPDebate hashtag.
According to the results of free non-scientific online tests, TBL found that he was "Existentialist", "Communist", and "A Grammar God," i.e., if he were a short wall-eyed Frenchman rather than a 6'3" blond American, he would be constantly mistaken for Jean-Paul Sartre!
But we can't expect Carly Fiorina to understand technology can we?
