The First GOP Debate, Brought To You First On TrueBlueLiberal.Org

I just finished watching some of the Voters First Presidential Forum on C-Span right now and it makes me glad that I no longer pay my cable company enough money to get the package that includes the Fox News Network. That gives me a great excuse not to watch the first "real" debate later this week; I'm left free to simply imagine the garish red, white, and blue flag graphics behind the row of red white, and blue podia, behind which will be standing ten men, all of whom will be dressed in dark blue suits, white shirts, and an assortment of red, blue, and TrumpGold® ties.

After the preliminary prayers, Pledge of Allegiance, singing of 'God Bless the USA,' 'God Bless America,' and the Star-Spangled Banner, there will be short introductions of the candidates and then the questioning will begin without opening statements so that all ten candidates will have the chance to respond to at least one question in the remaining thirty minutes of airtime.

Blond Female Fox Questioner: Gentleman, we'd like to begin with a few questions to establish the areas of broad agreement between you -- and in opposition to your Democrat opponents -- before we move on to the minor details of management style and policy nuance that may separate you. So first, by a show of hands, how many of you are committed to reducing the onerous tax burden on patriotic job-creating Americans like the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson and ...

Candidate Trump: ...and me myself, the winningest and classiest multi-billionaire job-creator-like guy.

Candidate Walker: Yeah creating (inaudible) jobs in China.

BFFQ: Gentlemen Gentlemen. We know this is an issue near and dear to all your hearts, but you'll all get a chance to speak shortly. Now by a silent show of hands, how many of you are now willing to publicly commit to lowering the job-killing tax rates currently imposed on America's job-creating heroes?

[The camera will pan slowly across the stage to show each candidate with his hand raised. Governor Perry will have both hands up until he realizes that his nine companions are only raising their right arms; he'll lower his left hand and his microphone will pick up a soft "ooops."]

Male Fox Questioner with Brown Hair Combed in a 1930's Style: In another area that we feel may elicit broad agreement, please raise your right hand if you pledge to declare war on Iran as one of your first acts as President.

Candidate Paul: Everyone will know on Day One that Rand Paul is not a peacenik like his Dad!

Candidate Walker: Nuke 'em!

[The other eight candidates will also raise their hands enthusiastically, but silently.]

MFQwBHCia1930S: Thanks to most of you for following the instructions. For answering twice out of order, Candidate Walker has lost his chance at a closing statement.

Candidate Walker: What the fudge?

MFQwBHCia1930S: All the Candidates were given a copy of the rules, which featured the three-strikes rule, so give Candidate Walker the hook and hand his podium to Alternate Candidate number .... [MFQwBH will pull a ball from a velvet bag and read the number on it] ...three. Alternate three, Governor Jindal, come on up!

[The camera will follow Scott Walker raising two fingers on each hand into nixonesque V's and waving them to the crowd as he leaves stage left. In a split-screen image, we will simultaneously witness a goofily-grinning Bobby Jindal enter from the stage-right wings.]

MFQwBH..: Candidate Jindal, do you agree to cut billionaires' taxes and bomb Tehran?

Candidate Jindal: Of course. Of course I do.

MFQw..: OK, we're all caught up here. [MFQ will nod to his smiling co-questioner]

BFFQ: For our final group question, please raise your hand if you're demonstrating your opposition to so-called "Gun-Free Zones" and adherence to the Second Amendment by carrying a concealed firearm and a copy of the Constitution tonight.

[Eight of ten candidates will immediately raise their hands.]

Candidate Christie: A few of us [he will nod to Candidate Trump] have goons to carry our guns for us.

[Candidate Perry's raised hand will actually be holding a cute little pearl-handled Colt revolver, which he will accidentally discharge into some key electronic components in the ceiling. "Ooops" will be the last word heard as the screens across America go blank.]

The Fine White Whine You Hear Today Is Coming from The Garden State.

"Over the past few weeks, the liberal media and Trenton Democrats have relentlessly attacked the Governor despite his strong, decisive leadership. It's time to stand up to MSNBC, the liberal media and their attacks."

This quote from the NJ GOP looking for money is going straight to the crooked New Jersey Governor's only possible defense, whining about the big bad liberal meanies of the so-called liberal media picking on America's Favorite Fat Fuck, Christopher "Christ" Christie. It seems clear now that if he manages to stay out of court, he will run for the GOP Presidential nod in 2016. His main campaign strategy to appeal to the rabid right-wing base? It's obvious. More whining about how attacks on Christ Christie by the bullying elitist atheistic eastern liberal press (and liberal blogs that label him America's Favorite Fat Fuck) mean that he must be doing something right.

"The people of New Jersey deserve better than the partisan witch hunt they’re currently witnessing on television every night. Thank you for standing with Governor Christie..." Wah Wah Wah

Preview of 2016 GOP Clown Circus Debate #2: The Elephant in the Room

 In December 2015, the 2016 GOP Traveling Clown Circus was scheduled to make its second stop under the gigantic red, white, and blue big top set up on the campus of Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

The crowd had been fortified with large quantities of red meat and Red Bull and fluffed into a pre-game frenzy by two of the greatest second-string Saturday Night Live alumni, Dennis Miller and Victoria Jackson, telling jokes about Libtards and Dumbocrats. The star moderator Glenn Beck was in position on his throne, but when the cameras were turned on and it came time to fill the ten podia at the front of the tent meeting, only Governor Christopher James "Chris" Christie strode onto the stage. "Let's go, Glenn."

"We'll have to wait for your opponents, Governor," Mr. Beck announced.

"Yeah? I don't think they're coming," Christie said, laughing.

"I'm sure they'll be here.", Beck said. "We have to wait a minute."

"Actually, I heard from my staff they all went to the Tulsa Hospital Emergency Room unexpectedly with injuries to their lower legs."

"What?"

"Something to do with a steel pipe. Something about which I obviously have no further personal knowledge."

"That's awful. We may have to delay this whole evening then."

"I'll be happy to fill the whole hour and a half. Ask me anything."

"OK, let's start with your sports loyalties. We know that you bravely support the Dallas Cowboys even though the Giants and the Jets both play in the state you were born in and currently govern."

"America's Team! Yeah."

"And you've been known to root for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish when they played your state's university, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, in a 2013 bowl game."

"Every North Jersey bully worth his salt likes the Irish."

"Both brave and independent stands, but is it also true that your favorite figure skater was Tonya Harding?"

"That little blonde firecracker? America's sweetheart? Who wasn't in love with her?"

"And it's only a coincidence in light of tonight's events?"

"Obviously. Now let's talk about my impeccable bipartisan record and ability to bring people together. You know that I was supported in 2013 by a lot of Democratic New Jersey Mayors who were certainly not threatened or bribed or beaten into supporting me."
...
(The rest of the hour you know by heart from the inspiring biographical Christie campaign commercials that have been running every night on every network since mid-2015.)
...
[and, in case you missed it, here's the partial transcript of the first imaginary 2016 GOP Clown Circus Debate I posted back in November]

I Can't Wait Any Longer for the Clowns to Come to Town.

Joining us today for this first fictional preview of the 2016 Traveling Clown Circus here on the campus of Liberty University, presented by Fox News and sponsored by Mountain Dew are, in alphabetical order, Michele Bachmann, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Allen West. Hopefully the other ten candidates will be able to join us next week under the big circus tent being set up at Oral Roberts University. I'm your Master of Ceremonies and Ringmaster, Mike Huckabee. Please stand for the Invocation, Pledge of Allegiance, and Star Spangled Banner...

 [fifteen minutes later, with the crowd in a frenzy of patriotic tears] 

Huckabee: The first question goes to Michele Bachmann.
Cruz: And I really thought we had agreed to have only one token woman this year. This is going to get confusing to some of our viewers with two of them.
 Bachmann: Wait your turn! I thought there was only going to be one token Latino or Hispanic or Mexican here too, but we've got you and Rubio. Talk about confusing.
Huckabee: Didn't we agree in our pre-fight briefing that there would be no bashing of ladies or Mexiamericans this year? That's the only reason we lost those two key voting blocks in 2012.
Palin: That and nominating a lamestream Massachusetts moderate who had some very serious RINOplasty issues. I hope you see there how my air quotes while I was saying RINO mean that Romney was a Republican In Name Only.
Huckabee: Thank you for that clever clarification, but still we've got to pretend to be PC here, so no name calling about the wetbacks and members of the weaker sex. Only Dumb-o-crats and San Francisco Liberals can be  freely abused without consequences on this stage. Governor Palin, the first question goes to you... 
Bachmann: Wha..?
Huckabee: What have you done to combat universal healthcare Governor Palin?
Palin: First of all, while I want to thank the good folks at Mountain Dew for providing these pitchers of Dew -- real sugary Dew, not the diet stuff -- I just wish they had given us glasses larger than 16 ounces to pour it into... [raucous applause and laughter and an audible 'Fuck Bloomberg' followed by scattered rebel yells] ... That's good Dew. But seriously, I did more than anyone to stop Obamacare. Do you remember who warned you all about the Death Panels that were gonna kill your grandmas? Me.
Cruz: But I was the Tea Party champion who single-handedly shut down the government in 2013 to stop Obamacare!
Palin: And did you stop it?
Rubio: And has the province of Calgary released your birth certificate yet?
Cruz: Did you get your family's Cuban story rewritten yet?

[Loudly crosstalking candidates become unintelligible under a lengthy chorus of boos, or it could be that some sizable proportion of them are screaming 'Cruuuuuuuz'.] 

Huckabee [for the umpteenth time]: Order please. Please wait for your questions, you'll all get a turn.
Bachmann: Even me?
Huckabee: The next question goes to Rand Paul. What have you done to make sure the uninsured stay that way?
Paul: It's not enough to make sure that we take insurance away from all the victims of Obamacare, but we need to reexamine those earlier Socialist intrusions on our liberty, Medicare and Medicaid. This is about freedom and liberty to die like Americans, penniless and uninsured, if that's what we choose. Without Big Brother Nanny State telling us we need to go to the doctor.
Palin: Isn't your Daddy a doctor? [Governor Palin leans close in to her microphone to take another long audible sip on her soda straw, earning more laughter and applause]
Paul: Not only is he a doctor, but I'm a doctor too. We can do well enough with people who care enough to EARN the money to seek our services. And you can stop pretending you're the only one who cares about Americans getting enough junk food. Who was there to defend trans fats and America's donuts against the freedom-hating bureaucrats of the FDA back in 2013? I was.
Christie: Look at me. Look at me!
Huckabee: We're looking.
Christie: Look at me. Don't I look like someone who would fight harder than anyone for the freedom to eat donuts and drink large corn-syrup-enhanced American beverages?
Huckabee: You know, I was an overweight governor who learned to eat better.
Christie: I'm not gonna frickin mess with the chemistry that got me here.
Huckabee: Allen West, do you have anything to add to this discussion?
West: Is that a question?
Huckabee: I'm not really in control here right now, so say anything you want.
West: After we evict and convict the 80 Communist Party members of the Democrat Congress, then we need to deal with Iran with a few tactical nukes.
Huckabee: Anything else?
West: We're not executing enough prisoners fast enough...

[Interrupted by cheers]

West: If we run out of murderers, rapists, kidnappers, pirates, and traitors, maybe we can impose capital punishment for liberals and atheists or people who burn the Gadsden flag, or...

[foot-stomping, applause, whistles and a few pistol shots into the ceiling tiles fill the next ten minutes]

Huckabee: Because of tonight's spirited discussion and lively audience participation, we don't have time for more questions or closing statements...
Bachmann: Dafuq?!
Huckabee: We barely have enough time left for the closing prayers and the group singing of Lee Greenwood's 'I'm Proud to Be an American' featuring my extended bass solo.
Bachmann: I fought for junk food too!!
Huckabee: Cut her mike please.
Bachmann: ...where would traditional EasyBake ovens get their juice without my Light Bulb Freedom of Choice bill??
Crowd: INCANDESCENTS FOREVER!
Huckabee: Are we done here? Let Us Pray.

2016 GOP Clown Circus Update: The New Fat Clown Throws His Hat Into the Ring

VOTE FOR ME!!

It has seemed clear all along that the role of the fat egotistical clown played so well by Newt Gingrich in 2012's GOP Clown Circus would be filled by Chris "Krispy Kreme" Christie in 2016, and the Governor of New Jersey made his ambitions obvious at the end of last week when he vetoed a ban on .50 caliber sniper rifles, a ban which he had proposed just last April.  He announced his veto on a Friday evening when the local news outlets might miss it, but the gun rights groups keeping score on such matters definitely would not.

It's official. He's running for the GOP Presidential nomination and a place at one of the 8 or 9 podiums (podia?) on the traveling 2016 GOP Clown Circus stages.

While having the role of the fat egotistical clown filled is good news for Clown Circus aficionados, there was bad news on Friday as well. The Republican National Committee and its chairman who goes by the improbable name "Reince Priebus" announced that CNN and NBC would not be allowed to host episodes of the highly-anticipated 2016 Clown Circus because those networks are considering the broadcast of a documentary and a miniseries featuring presumed Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.  The RNC's real goal, of course, is simply to deny us the pleasure of seeing their clowns showing their true colors on two more networks.  If "Reince" could, he'd simply anoint Jeb Bush or Paul Ryan or Chris Christie with the title of nominee without any of the party's dirty laundry being aired for the entertainment and edification of America's voters.

"It's not smart for Republicans to be attacking Republicans..." but it sure is fun! The 2016 GOP Clown Circus is underway.

It may take some time for the full field of
the 2016 GOP Clown Circus to come into focus.

Last week Chris Christie, who is auditioning for the role of the overweight egotistical clown played so well by Newt Gingrich in the 2012 production of the GOP Clown Circus, criticized those questioning the overreach of the American Security State, but especially the Pauls, père et fils, when he said, "...this strain of libertarianism that’s going through both parties right now and making big headlines, I think, is a very dangerous thought." Then, channeling short-lived 2008 clown Rudy "9/11" Giuliani, Christie said, "9/11, 9/11, New Jersey, 9/11, something, 9/11."

Rand Paul, who almost undoubtedly will play the 2016 edition of 2012's popular Ronald McPaul clown, twittered some responses immediately, but the crescendo continued yesterday when Paul The Younger talked about Christie on CNN as "...the king of bacon talking about bacon ... Governor Christie and others have been part of this gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme all this money.”

Rand Paul also said on Monday that “It’s not smart for Republicans to be attacking Republicans, [but he finishes the sentence by attacking the GOP NJ Governor]  but I would remind him that what is dangerous is to forget that we have a Bill of Rights, to forget about privacy and give up on all of our liberty that you have to live in a police state.”

I personally can't wait for the "King Of Bacon" line to come up in one of the first debates of the 2016 GOP Clown Circus.

The 2016 Clown Circus Casting Couch is Open!

Before any of them actually arrive for their first auditions, here are the very early TrueBlueLiberal.org front runners for the 2016 GOP Clown Circus:

• In the role of Michele Bachmann, we'll see the return of Sarah Palin.
• In the role of Herman Cain, we'll have the inimitable Allen West.
• In the role of boring Jon Huntsman, we will see boring Tim Pawlenty.
• In the role of boring Tim Pawlenty, we will see boring Jon Huntsman.
• In place of Rick Perry, Texas will be represented by Ted "Tail Gunner" Cruz.
• In the role of Mitt Romney, we will have the sixth Romney son, Paul Ryan (but only if Tagg, Trigg, Tugg, Tigger, and Craig Romney refuse the honor of defending the honor of car elevators and the beleaguered 1%).
• In the role of Newt Gingrich, we'll have the even more corpulent and egotistical Chris Christie.
• In the role of Rick Santorum, John Bolton will be the one to inject a frisson of real fear into the race.
• In the role of Game Show Host Donald Trump, we will see Game Show Host Chuck Woolery (unfortunately dropping out before the first debate to the chagrin of true aficionados of world-class slapstick clownfoolery).
• In the role of Ron Paul, we will see Rand Paul.

And stepping in to pick up the royal family banner with a minimum of effort after the inevitable entertaining clownpocalypse, the statesmanlike pandering flip flopper John Ellis "Jeb" Bush.

Hey Right Wingers, Here's a New Conspiracy for You! (and it's true)

I've noticed that every day those of you on the Right are promoting another new Lie/Myth/ConspiracyTheory in the echo chamber of your email chains, tweets, and blogs.  These are not the normal Fox News half truths and GOP talking points, but the stories about President Obama spending today in Paris (false, he's celebrating the 4th of July at the White House) or that the Affordable Care Act will implant RFID chips in all Americans by the strangely specific date of March 23, 2013 (false, of course, but still very alive on Twitter), or ... well there are a million of them that percolate below the surface until they bubble up into the general conversation like the Swift Boat lies in 2004 or the Birtherist myths in 2008.

But, my fellow citizens on the Right, here's something you can pick up and run with that is actually true!  I know that's a new concept for you all, but bear with me.

The Google Doodle this morning is quoting the words of an actual Communist:

Woody Guthrie was the writer of a regular column for the People's World and Daily Worker.  And if you don't believe that "This Land Is Your Land" is a Communist anthem, here are the last two verses, which don't get as much airtime as the "ribbon of highway" and "endless skyway" first verse.

As I was walkin'  -  I saw a sign there
And that sign said - no tress passin'
But on the other side  ... it didn't say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!

This land is your land, this land is my land
From California, to the New York Island
From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters
This land was made for you and me
In the squares of the city - In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office - I see my people
And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin'
If this land's still made for you and me.

This land is your land, this land is my land
From California, to the New York Island
From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters
This land was made for you and me

And if you want to complete your Google/Obama/Communism circle, here's a video of Bruce Springsteen singing this Communist anthem at an Obama rally in Philadephia in 2008 bracketed by "Yes We Can" chants (yes, I  was one of those chanters).
He leaves out the most incendiary penultimate verse attacking private property, but he does sing the last  "relief office" verse (yes, I was one of those who yelled "YEAH!" when he sang these neglected words).

The question is, how can Chris Christie continue to state that he's Bruce Springsteen's biggest fan? Doesn't he realize that songs have words?

Happy Independence Day. 

Running Mate Anagram of the Day

Chris Christie is on ABC's Nightline as I write this.  He's still thinking that he may be on Mitt Romney's potential Veep list, so we'll humor him by making him the anagram of the day.

If the animation up above isn't working, "Romney and Christie" = "Riches and Enormity".

(And if you missed it, here's another running-mate anagram)

#MittsMissingReturns

“One year could be a fluke, perhaps done for show.”
--George Romney explaining why he released 12 years of tax returns when he was running for President in 1968 

"I congratulate Mitt Romney on releasing such extensive tax returns. It is now time that we get back to the issues of fixing our economy and helping the middle class..."
--Chris Christie's statement on Mitt's campaign website after George Romney's son released his return for one year

There is always a lot of wringing of hands here on the leftish end of the political spectrum about our inability (like Fox watchers, Beck acolytes, and Rush's dittoheads) to jump onto one issue as a group and single-mindedly badger the media about it.  We tend to establish our own priorities and we're generally not well adapted to things like marching in step.

I'm hoping that this issue of Mitt Romney's missing tax returns is an exception to that general rule.

Anyone who reads this article, "Where the Money Lives" in the August issue of Vanity Fair will want to know a lot of answers to questions the article raises about Bain Capital, semi-blind trusts, possible nepotistic deals, offshore accounts, IRAs, etc., etc. Many of those answers may be coded into Mitt Romney's 1040 forms and reams of attachments. Who knows what else may appear in 10-12 years worth of tax returns.
We know for sure that there are two embarassing facts that Mitt Romney and his campaign want to keep out of the public debate: 1) His total income each year is an eight-figure amount that is unfathomable for 99.9% of the United States population, and 2) His tax rate will be lower than most of ours because it's based mostly on capital gains rates (though that may be a stretching of tax law if you read the article), but the real reason to release the forms is because we have NO idea what we (through our intermediaries, the tax experts) may find there. This man wants us to elect him President of the United States based on his business background but with minimal actual vetting of his actual finances or business dealings.

If the right-wing could badger the press and the President about Barack Obama's birth certificate on an absurd theory that his mother had made a secret trip from Hawai'i to Kenya just to make sure that her son was not born on American soil, then I guess I can keep tweeting with a #MittsMissingReturns hashtag until he gives us at least a decade's worth of financial information. Maybe some of you will  join me.
The press is currently showing no signs of pushing for these documents. They need to be pushed to push.

Won't someone in the Garden State offer Chris Christie a wafer-thin mint?

This was the dream candidate the GOP was looking for? Make him an honorary member of the GOP Clown Circus.

Watch Chris Christie at a Romney event in New Hampshire tell a heckler in the audience chanting "Christie kills jobs" that "Something may go down tonight, but it ain't gonna be jobs sweetheart." The "sweetheart" is condescending enough from this fat chauvinist pig, but is there any other way to understand his "going down" remark than in the obvious sexual way, especially from someone who likes to picture himself as a Joisey tough guy?

I'm so glad that he's no longer my Governor. What a fucking embarassment.
And look at Mitt in the background of this video wondering, "Do they make Magic Underwear in a size that would fit that ass?"